FoodTV Hotties

I wrote this post one day, a few months ago, and it has been sitting on my computer ever since. So, I thought I'd put it up. Warning: in what has been a long, sad history of offensive, juvenile, and profane posts, the following may be the most offensive, juvenile, and profane.

A recent issue of Men’s Health had a poll of which Food Network chefs guys wanted to bang. (Or found attractive or something.) That hideous fat pig Rachel Ray came in first, ahead of Nigella Lawson.

My first thought was: What the f*ck? I’d put Rachel Ray somewhere between Paula Dean and Mario Batali. And I’m a dude.

My second thought was: now that they mention it, there has been an increase in bangability over there at the Food Network over the last few years. Actually, I preferred the Food Network as it was in the early days. But back then their featured female chef was Sara Moulton, who, from what I can tell, is about 4 feet tall and strikes me as some nerdlinger teacher’s pet who put up her hand when the teacher forgot to give out homework. While the quality of the shows has tanked since then, the hotness of the female chefs has vastly improved. Thank Christ.

For the last few years I’ve had a crush on Sandra Lee. She’s got some older woman hotness thing about her. She also has blonde hair and big knockers. And don’t try and tell me she’s some sweet, little Suzy

homemaker, whipping up her little semi-homemade bullshit all the time. You can tell she’s some slutty, party chick. She’s always got those cocktails working, no matter what else she’s making. She’ll make some stupid candy salad thing for the kiddies and then whip up some 150-proof cocktail for mom and dad.

And hot women like her know they’re hot. A couple years ago she was dressed up in some French maid adult costume thing for a Halloween special. She was doing a segment with Tyler Florence, who was dressed like Frankenstein and

kept flirting with him shamelessly. He didn’t know what the hell to do. Pussy. She ended up asking “Am I making you nervous?” Yeah, you know what you’re doing, baby. I don’t know about Frankenstein, there, but she gave an electrical jolt to my penis.

Then there’s that chick on Simply Delicioso. OK, she’s no beauty queen, and I can’t stand the name of her show. But she’s got some sexy Latin thang workin'. And it doesn’t hurt that she has nice cans and is happy to show them off.

In fact, they seem to find their way into each shot, no matter what she’s doing. She’ll be sautéing onions or some shit, and all I’ll be looking at are her tits. God bless those cameramen.

It also doesn’t hurt that she always says “thongs” when she’s trying to say “tongs.”

Is this really an accident? Isn’t she just saying that so guys will picture her in some Brazilian butt-floss thing? Anyway, who cares? As long as she keeps doing it.

Then we come to Giada DeLorentis. I’m of two minds about her. On the one hand, she’s very cute. But on the other hand, she has zero sex appeal, as far as I’m concerned. She’s another Hobbit, like Sara Moulton. And, you know, whatever. That’s fine. Salma Hayek is no giant, either.

And Giada does have some meat on her chest. Apparently, anyway. It could

just be the push-up bra. But I don’t know. It just doesn’t all come together quite like it should. Kind of like the way Audrey Hepburn was pretty, but I wouldn’t want to nail her.

Of course, she’s another one who you know is different in person than on her cooking show. You can see her true personality come out, at least a little, when she hangs out with her loser friends on her stupid, weekend travel waste of time. You can see that when she's with them she’s some shallow, snooty, party chick. And even though she’s a party chick, she probably isn’t all that much fun to hang out with. Yeah, she'll go out to clubs and all that, but I can see her as some little princess, bitching and whining if things aren't just how she wants them. I can also see her laughing in the faces of regular guys who try to ask her out and making catty comments about other women in the room.

So, there is my 2 cents. Men's Health, take note.