Review: Tuscany

I am PISSED OFF at Todd English for this pathetic, shitty, rip off of a meal. Seriously. Totally pissed off.

Tuscany is, I guess, the centerpiece restaurant at Mohegan Sun. Like literally a centerpiece. It's inside a big waterfall there.

That thing is fn loud, so I don't know why anyone would want to sit at these outside tables, but whatever. We ate inside where it was dark and quiet.

We had seen the tasting/wine pairing menu online, and that sounded interesting, so we got that. In fact I was really looking forward to it. This meal was going to be the highlight of the trip for me. Celebrity chef, Mohegan Sun, high rollers, lots of cash flying around. Surely the restaurant would be good, right?

Nope.

There were 4 courses: (1) Caprese salad; (2) seared salmon over chickpeas; (3) beef tenderloin topped with sauteed onions and red peppers; and (4) a "fallen" chocolate cake for dessert.

The food was bow-ring, mediocre, and underseasoned. And the portions were tiny. Holy shit. It was like a lunch tasting menu. Hey, Groucho, if you're gonna serve portions that size, make sure the tasting menu is 17 courses or something, like at Maroni Cuisine.

What is especially annoying is that the a la carte dishes looked HUGE. Some chick next to us got the filet mignon, and it was the size of her head. Our filets were small and flat and shaped like a hamburger. What the f*ck is that?

The stupid onions and red peppers made the dish taste like something from Lean Cuisine. Know what I mean? Lean Cuisine puts red peppers on everything to give the bland food some kind of flavor since they can't use fat.

And those assholes really skimped on the wine. Each glass was about two sips. For the entire meal we got the equivalent of one decent-sized glass of wine each and had to pay $35 a piece for it. The food was $47 a piece.

We should have ordered a la carte and bought two bottles of wine. At least then we would've gotten our money's worth.

Normally the crap fest that we had would earn this place 2 out of 5 stars. But because the meal was such a rip off, the restaurant is getting 0 stars.

That's right, Todd English, 0 stars. So screw you and your shitty restaurant and your giant Groucho eyebrows.